[UFO Chicago] Plan 9

[Jay F. Shachter]

Esteemed Colleagues:

I just came across a bit of humor that I wanted to share with you,
which you will find at https://doc.cat-v.org/plan_9/humour/dead_plan_9_sketch

And since I never bother to follow links that I get in e-mail
messages, here it is typed out for you:


                            The Dead OS Sketch

    Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The owner does not respond.)

    Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

    Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

    Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

    Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

    Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this
        operating system what I purchased not half an hour ago from this
        very boutique.

    Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, Plan 9 ... What's, uh ... What's wrong with it?

    Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad.  It's dead,
                 that's what's wrong with it!

    Owner: No, no, it's uh, ... it's resting.

    Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead operating system when I see
                 one, and I'm looking at one right now.

    Owner: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'!  Remarkable OS, Plan 9,
           idn'it, ay?  Beautiful kernel!

    Mr. Praline: The kernel don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

    Owner: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!

    Mr. Praline: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (bashes
                 at the keyboard) 'Ello, Mister Plan 9! I've got a lovely
                 fresh kernel update for you if you show ... 

    (owner hits the keys)

    Owner: There, it spewed some debug output to the command line!

    Mr. Praline: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the keys!

    Owner: I never!!

    Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

    Owner: I never, never did anything ... 

    Mr. Praline: (yelling and typing into the console repeatedly) 'ELLO
                 COMMAND PROMPT!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing!
                 This is your nine o'clock cron job!

    (Rips out hard drive from computer case and thumps it on the
    counter. Shoves it back inside the case and reboots the system - blank
    screen.)

    Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead operating system.

    Owner: No, no ... ..No, it's stunned!

    Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

    Owner: Yeah!  You stunned it, just as it was finishing an I/O task!
           Plan 9 stuns easily, major.

    Mr. Praline: Um ... now look ... now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad
                 enough of this.  That operating system is definitely
                 deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago,
                 you assured me that its total lack of responsiveness was
                 due to it bein' in the process of recompiling itself
                 after a particularly comprehensive code update.

    Owner: Well, it's ... it's, ah ... probably pining for some dilettante
           dabbling.

    Mr. Praline: PININ' for some DILETTANTE DABBLING?!?!?!? What kind of
                 talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the
                 moment I started Emacs?

    Owner: Plan 9 prefers swapping everything out to the hard drive!
           Remarkable variant, id'nit, squire?  Lovely kernel!

    Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining the system when I
        got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been
        printing any text at all to the screen was because of all the
        WORRYING COMPILER WARNINGS encountered while it was being rebuilt.

    (pause)

    Owner: Well, o'course it was spitting out those warnings!  If I hadn't
           updated the kernel with an unstable development build, you
           might have had your FTP server compromised, and VOOM!  Bye bye
           to your business.

    Mr. Praline: "Server"?!?  Mate, this OS wouldn't "serve" if you put
        four million volts through it!  It's bleedin' demised!

    Owner: No no! It's pining!

    Mr. Praline: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This OS is no more! It
                 has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its
                 maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace!
                 It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal
                 coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir
                 invisibile!! The numbers continue to decline for Plan 9
                 but FreeBSD may be hurting the most. All major marketing
                 surveys show that Plan 9 has steadily declined in market
                 share. Plan 9 is extremely sick and its long term
                 survival prospects are very dim. If Plan 9 is to survive
                 at all it will be among hobbyist dilettante dabblers. In
                 truth, for all practical purposes Plan 9 is already
                 dead. It is a dead man walking. Plan 9's foot is in the
                 grave. Development of Plan 9 nowadays is mired by bylaws,
                 committees, reports and milestones. Technically, the Plan
                 9 project faces a set of challenges that significantly
                 outstrips the ability of the developers to
                 deliver. There's no simple solution to this. Why would
                 anyone choose to use a Plan 9 over other faster, more
                 stable systems? We can all agree that Plan 9 is a
                 failure. Yet why did Plan 9 fail? Once you get past the
                 fact that Plan 9 is fragmented between myriad
                 incompatible kernels, there is the historical record of
                 failure and of failed operating systems. Plan 9
                 experienced moderate success about 15 years ago in
                 academic circles. Since then it has been in steady
                 decline. We all know Plan 9 keeps losing market share but
                 why? Is it the problematic personalities of many of the
                 key players? Or is it larger than their troubled
                 personalities? The record is clear on one thing: no
                 operating system has ever come back from the
                 grave. Efforts to resuscitate Plan 9 are one step away
                 from spiritualists wishing to communicate with the
                 dead. As the situation grows more desperate for the
                 adherents of this doomed OS, the sorrow takes hold. An
                 unremitting gloom hangs like a death shroud over a once
                 hopeful Plan 9 community. The hope is gone; a mournful
                 nostalgia has settled in. Now is the end time for Plan
                 9. Fact: Plan 9 is an ex-operating system!!

    (pause)

    Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek
           behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the
           back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of post-UNIX variants.

    Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

    Owner: I got Microsoft Windows XP Professional.

    (pause)

    Mr. Praline: Pray, is it difficult to setup, use and maintain?

    Owner: Nnnnot really.

    Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

    Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

    Mr. Praline: Well.

    (pause)

    Owner: (quietly) D'you .... d'you want to come back to my place?

    Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.




	Jay F. Shachter
	6424 North Whipple Street
	Chicago IL  60645-4111
		+1 773 7613784   landline
		+1 410 9964737   GoogleVoice
                http://m5.chicago.il.us
		jay at m5.chicago.il.us

	"But when she traced the killer's IP address ... it was in the 192.168/16 block!"